In 4 days

In 4 days, it would be exactly one year since my last post. I read a few of my most recent entries and they sound so “emo.” The sarcasm and irony that attempted to exude got lost somewhere. I guess this is a good time to update my very few readers about how my past year as been. I guess starting with the most recent things, I graduated from UCLA, which is probably the biggest accomplishment of my life. Although it really wasn’t too bad. I did end up switching my major at the beginning of my senior year technically, not sure if I blogged about that. This past spring quarter I started exercising again and have lost almost 8 lbs. I tried to lose a lb and week during the quarter but that proved harder than expected. The reason behind this is because I gained a lot of weight fall and winter quarter and became a fatty. I saw a picture on facebook from the beginning of spring break and I look like a total fatty. I guess my dieting and healthy eating, will be the focus of my blog from now on. As well as other interesting adventures. I got into graduate school like a BAMF and am waiting for my housing offer so I can move in. But in the mean time, I am the house slave, and am driving the little one to SAT classes and doing random things around the house like grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning, since I’m the best one at it in this family. So sad.

One thing that I realized while reading my older posts, are that there were a lot of typos. But in accordance with tradition, I will follow my previous methods of blogging. Writing what I feel. No editing. No fancy shit. No thesaurus.com to find fancy synonyms so I sound smart. Just my thoughts, raw and uncut. So daring. So bold.

I guess nothing that exciting has really happened this year. I’ve pretty much been a slave to school. This past quarter I finally got a 4.0, after getting so close so many times, and always getting screwed over by those damn A-s or lower grades :( I finally did it. And I’m not gonna lie, but it’s pretty awesome. I wish I hadn’t ever been an econ major and taken all those stupid management/ accounting classes, because my GPA would be super bomb. But hey, I’m pretty awesome for getting into grad school anyway.

So this summer, all my friends have real jobs or are looking for real jobs. And Brandon, who I’m still with, is doing research. And speaking of him, I should give a brief update on him, if I ever mentioned anything about him before. But he is also going to UCI, not NYU, which is another story in itself, and will be living relatively close to me next year, which will be a big change.

Speaking of boyfriends and big changes,

1. I’m a bit nervous and apprehensive about the situation because I haven’t been in a situation where I’ve been able to see him every day, for about 5-6 years. And that was in high school so that was entirely different. Especially because I pretty much saw him at school during breaks and lunch, and occasionally saw him out of school. Then at UCLA I saw him once a week or once every two weeks, especially the first 2-3 years. I guess I’ve really gotten used to doing things by myself and not really requiring seeing him. As bad as that sounds, that really is just how it is, and not really meant to be sad or anything. I’m not sure how things will play out. I just know that adjusting will be interesting. And maybe awkward. And very likely annoying. But it’ll be a progression. I feel like, in general, I’ve been kind of getting anxiety and worrying about things a lot. This isn’t one of those things I worry about, but in general I’m finding myself having mini-panic attacks, or panic “sessions,” since they don’t really warrant the word ATTACK, where I find myself becoming extremely nervous, and sometimes I even begin to sweat and feel uncomfortable. I typically think through the situation logically and rationally and conclude that worrying about something won’t really do anything, and then I feel much better. I don’t think I need to see a therapist about this or anything, but maybe if it gets worse and I can’t manage it, I may consider it.

2. With regards to this situation, I’m finding myself a bit nervous about making friends. I hate starting over in this way and have had to do this a few times in my life already. I’m a bit nervous about the new people I’ll be around because it’ll be quite different from the crowds I’m typically used to I imagine. I just hope that I’ll my friends with people in my age group, since there are a lot of older people and moms in my program. I guess that’s cool though. Mom’s I mean. I like babies, I’m motherly, and I do everything around the house including nagging and disciplining my sister, which is what parents, not just moms, b/c I don’t want to be sexist, should do. I guess I have a lot in common with them. Anyway, one thing that I’m really horrible at is staying in touch with my friends. That’s definitely something that I want to work on with my friends from college, especially since my favorite ones will be living in southern California, in the near future. As in this upcoming year and the next few years to come possibly.

Anyway, it’s getting late, and friends are a good place to end. As much as living in a sorority house was overwhelming, I definitely miss my favorites.

Summertime

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been about a month since my last post because I’ve been absolutely swamped. Tumblr obviously is not my priority. The last two weeks or so of school were insanely stressful and I was on lockdown the last week to study and finish up. After that i unpacked things at my house and didn’t do much. I left for San Francisco on the 16 to the 19 and had a thoroughly exciting time sightseeing and spending time with family. It was a bit stressful, but then again traveling seems to always be a bit stressful. After I came back I pretty much immediately started summer school. Commuting sucks. I realized this week that my summer is going to be crazy intense and that I may have trying to take on too much on my plate. We shall see how this goes.

May 26

I am now 21. My birthday week was too hyped up in my brain, but I can’t really say I was disappointed. I feel like normal people, normal girls, would have been very very disappointed though. I feel like i was expecting my birthday to be as bland as it was up until 4 days before my birthday and i was really excited. Excitement is a strange concept. I feel like it only leads to you being disappointed, or if whatever you were excited about happens, it was just standard and supposed to happen. Why not have a bleak outlook on things, that way you can never be disappointed. Bleak doesn’t have to be negative, but more like cynical… or being a realist. Anyhow, I’m not one to enjoy emotions. Even other people’s emotions stress me out because they affect my non-emotional state. My emotions and I have a strange relationships; I feel like i enjoy talking about how i feel, if I’m angry or upset or anything else I’m feeling, or blogging for that matter. And i guess when i dance that really helps me channel my emotions. But when it comes to me being expressive about them on a day to day basis, it’s a no go. I feel like showing emotions, at least extreme ones, are a sign of weakness. Not just sadness, but extreme happiness. It’s weird.

Anyway back to happier things. On my birthday weekend all i did was sleep, and forego partying. I drank an apple martini on my birthday. I purchased wine at trader joes. And yesterday i did 2 sake bombs. I think i’m allergic to alcohol though. I think i will die before i ever get drunk. Because after two drinks, I am the color of a very ripe tomato. And my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest. In a bad way. And I’m sweating. Pretty much nothing good comes out if it. My life sucks. Oh well, at least I’ll have healthy livers to donate when i die.

I’m pretty excited to go home this thursday. And i’m excited for summer. And when i use the word very excited or very (insert emotion here), I’m not really “very” that emotion per say, but the normal amount of a regular person. I’m really over school and I feel burnt out because of being so busy all year. I’ve taken 4 classes every quarter this year and have worked 11 or so hours at work. This summer will also be busy, but i just need a new environment and a new change of pace. I will be taking two sessions per quarter at UCI, studying and taking my GRE’s, hopefully doing massive amounts of research that will be paid, and taking on another job if it’s not paid. I decided to forego taking my GE class at a community college since it might lead me to consider killing myself (not really though, since i don’t exhibit extreme emotions).

I want to be home. But i wouldn’t say I’m home sick. I want to be home to be around my family and not at my apartment/ at my work desk/ on campus.

I’m nervous about getting into grad school because i pretty much have 2.5 shots. Those shots are getting into UCI, UCLA, and UCSB. Actually make that 2 shots since I probably won’t get into UCLA, and UCSB is kind of far and I’m not dying to go there. If i don’t get into programs in souther california, I will probably be relocating to another state, which I’m not really a fan of. We will see. I will pray.

This week is my birthday week :)

This week I must be extremely productive, in order to have fun without school work looming in the back of my mind, as I often feel when I go out and have fun. My planner is full of tasks that I want to do this week… That i HAVE to finish or will suffer the consequences of being stressed when going out. I really planned on doing a lot of my school work at my work, as I usually do, but unfortunately I have to type up evaluations. I hate actually working at my job. It’s definitely not as bad as food service, but it’s just irritating have an unpredictable schedule. I don’t know when I’ll actually have to do things, and when i have time to do homework. It also bothers me when I’m trying to do my homework at school, and my coworkers are talking to each other about random things, or talking on the phone to family members or random things. I mean it’s cool, i would do it too if i were them, but I’m trying to study. Not that they know that, so it’s not their fault, but it’s hard to concentrate. I should get ear plugs, but that might be to obvious.

Anyways, on Saturday is the day i was born 21 years ago at 9 or 10 AM, i forgot. I feel like birthdays aren’t too big of a deal because i didn’t actually do anything, except get born. I think on birthdays people should celebrate their parents, or at least their moms, for doing a good job making them, carrying them for 9 months, and keeping them alive for the years they’ve been alive.

I’m pretty excited, especially that I have a lot of different things planned every night from Wednesday- Saturday, my actual birthday. Wednesday we have our raid with sigep which i am definitely looking forward to, then thursday we have some sisterly bonding events, followed by going out at night, then Friday a dinner celebration of some sort that i haven’t quite figured out yet, then Saturday clubbing at Avalon. This is going to be a busy, hectic week. But it’ll be filled with fun and friends, so it’ll all be worth it :D

Today is also a weird day

I woke up at 8, when I had work at 8. I emailed my boss. And i had a strange feeling of non-urgency, which is very unlike me.

Today at work i facebook stalked a SSCE PhD student in the education class I’m taking right now. Very few people come of intelligent on facebook. Actually this is probably the first person i’ve come across on facebook that does, but i realized that i often doubt my intelligence. Not how i can do in school, and my grade point average, or how many random facts i know, but true intelligence. I feel like I always have. Probably since the summer school session before middle school where i went from sixth grade level math to pre-algebra, and failing miserably and crying about it, and needing my mother to tutor me, and finally pulling off an A in Ms. Clizbe’s class… After years of analyzing this and coming to the conclusion that i got where i am through hard work and not intelligence, i feel that i need to stop thinking this way. I need to combat education low self esteem.

Speaking of self esteem, i would like my hair to grow long faster because it’s been short for too long. If i had money right now, and were willing to spend it on my appearance, i would invest in hair extensions. One day when I am making bank, i know i will quickly get rich because i am very frugal and good at saving money. Dare I call myself cheap? sometimes.

Today was a weird day

Last night i got into bed at around 1 and couldn’t fall asleep till past 4. I prayed to God to kill me because i felt like dying. I skipped my 8 am class to sleep in and then woke up to take my midterm for the class that i’m taking pass/ no pass. Needless to say, i did not need to stay up till 1 to study. I figure since i’m taking it pass/ no pass i want to get a C and nothing better. Because if i get an A i would be mad that i should have just taken it for a grade, and if i get a B i still won’t be getting my pass/no pass’ worth. Hence, I need to get exactly a C, the lower the better. haha. Anyhow, i felt like i did above a C on the midterm, but i guess that means i can study less for the final, or continue to do crappy on the quizzes. I was the first to finish, 60 MC/ TF questions in 30 minutes, definitely a record. Other good news for the day though was that i thought my midterm that i got a 52/70 on was curved extremely well. ie 53-70 is the range for an A and 40-52 is a range for a C. If only i had read my notes more than one time the day before the midterm. I feel like i’m taking risks this quarter. It feels weird. I hope that when i get my test back on thursday, i will find that 1 question was mis-scored due to erasure marks, so that i can be in the A range and feel better going into the final.

Today was extremely relaxing. At work i skimmed a reading and when i came back i tried to nap then read for a class. I decided that i need to chill out and not do all my readings for classes like i usually do because i have a paranoid personality. I need to be better at doing the minimum amount possible to get an A, like amber. Skills like these, i need to pick up on. I spent my time cooking pasta salad for the next few days and catching up with Glee. I haven’t showered yet but that’s what i need to do asap then go to bed.

Life is well right now, as it usually is. It’s just oddly relaxing today. Thank you God :)

In reference to God, i once again feel that i am more religious than people my judge me to be. I feel like I have a very personal relationship with the higher power that i believe to be true, and that my faith is very strong. When I have children, I would like them to go to church. However, I’m not sure if that’s giving your children a biased view of things. It kind of is, but then again everything you teach them, and all the opinions that you tell them is a bias. I feel like children are complicated and i don’t want any anytime soon, but when i do i will be an amazing mother.

Also, i hope that the research i get to do this summer has to do with babies and baby-books, because that’s currently what the professor i talked to is working on. Too bad I will be talking to their mom’s and not playing with them. Who knows, since I am only a research assistant, possibly the assistant to the research assistant, i may be on childcare duty.

life changes

I decided once again that i wanted to change my career goals. Instead of becoming a teacher and then going into administration, i decided that it would be more interesting to do research in education. Specifically early childhood socio-emotional development, preferably something more sociological where i get to deal with relations between children or parents and children. I know when i make a right decision when I’m excited. So i know i made the right decision. Before i was just content, now I’m excited. I’ve never really thought about getting a phd, but now it seems like the right thing to do. Since this is kind of a late decision, i need to get on board to do research asap, hopefully during the summer i can do research at UCI and then during the year next year i can do research with a professor her at UCLA.

I’m excited for my future. I hope me and brandon stay together because if i get a phd, the pool of highly qualified males for me shrinks greatly. Because smart women are intimidating. Obviously… But seriously, i think it’s stupid that men get intimidated. If they have less degrees or credentials than a women, because if the woman likes you, you obviously have something to offer. Men and their egos. Anyhow, that would be pretty crazy if we both went to the same school though; i don’t want to get my hopes up because i don’t know where i’ll get in, or if our relationship will work out for that long. The future is so mysterious.

I have a midterm tomorrow, and the day after, so hopefully all goes well. I calculated my gpa and if i get straight A’s in the rest of my classes until i graduate, i can graduate with the lowest honors whoo!! We’ll see how that works out. If not, it’s not the end of the world.

I always think to myself that I’ll be okay no matter what, as long as i try my best, I’ll have no regrets. Even if i didn’t do my test, life would still be okay. It’s comforting.

Stories to tell my grandkids

This past week has been one of the funniest weeks i have had in a very long time. Over the weekend i went to the Guerrero family house along with Marcia. It was the most hilarious thing ever. All i can say is that Miguel is hilarious, and he and Zaira would make beautiful children together. Zaira’s dance moves and Miguel’s defensive tactics will forever be remembered. Me and Marcia and assure the world that. Another thing that Marcia and i Decided were that we wanted Mexican boyfriends one day. The weekend at Zaira’s can’t even be put into words, because you just had to be there.

After we came back on Sunday, I caught up with Kelly. I love Kelly, she’s the only friend I’ve made in class that i keep in contact with; even if it’s only once or twice a quarter, i’m still thankful that i have her in my life. She convinced me to go to our date party, and so she came as my date. It was a pretty good time, kind of wild. I can’t wait for our next raid though!

On a more somber note, I feel like I’m very judgmental of people. Maybe because I’m very critical of myself in terms of morals and try my best to be a good human being. But I know i shouldn’t be because only God can and should judge. Speaking of God, I feel like I’m a pretty religious person. I feel that just because i don’t go to church when i’m in LA, doesn’t strain my relationship with God. After all, we talk every night, and i speak to him via telepathy in times of need, or even good times. I feel like a lot of the decisions i’ve made in my life have been based on my relationship with God. He’s instilled a sense of extreme guilt in me, which i guess is both good and bad. It has made me a good person IMO but i think it has hindered me from having the maximum amount of fun. I find it hard to be careless or reckless; but i guess safety is a good thing. I feel like a lot of people don’t realize how religious I am, including my mother. Unlike Christian people who don’t think about God, Monday- Saturday, and get really intense at service on Sundays, i feel like my style is more integrated throughout the week. In a sense i feel like God is looming over me. I guess the reason i don’t go to church in LA on Sundays is because i really enjoy EVFree and i feel like no other churches can compare. Just like i have previously blogged about a friend ego, i feel like i have a church ego. I guess i feel like i just make really good decisions. Maybe I’m closed minded.

Actually i think i’m pretty open minded, i just like being comfortable. And i feel like my standards are high enough that my decisions are justified. Anyway, religion is kind of a weird thing. You’ll never know whether or not it exists. I guess it’s faith, in general, that’s weird. I think it’s healthy for humans to have religion, and for the most part i feel that faith is healthy to have. Obviously, otherwise people would be committing suicide more than they do already.

Suicide is so stupid. I would never kill myself no matter what my life as amounted to. I think it’s selfish, and dumb. If i ever die, and it’s ruled a suicide, i hope the people reading my blog can request for it to be investigated more thoroughly, because i definitely did not kill myself.

I think a lot of stuff is stupid and fake. Example, ADD i think is stupid, and i think it’s attributed to kids being kids hence being hyperactive and not listening to authority figures. I also think that because of the amount of stimuli they’re exposed to nowadays, with the media, and technology, and all those crazy video games like WOW and DOTA and that weird shit, they just can’t calm down. Parents are just making excuses for their kids being crazy. They just need to spank their kids. Honestly, everyone’s concentration would be better if they took Adderall or Ritalin. Another thing that me and Brandon talked about recently is whether or not Depression is real. I guess it’s more valid than ADD but everyone gets sad, some people just bounce back better than others. Is that really a disease? Maybe they have weaker minds. Which i guess is MAYBE a disease. But then everything is a disease.

I have a problem with a lot of things in the world. But yet, i feel very thankful and blessed for my life and everything i have. Maybe I’m a more complicated person than I previously thought.